Enter the Members of Intelligentsia




[Türkçesi: Saçmasapan, boktan boktan şeyler herkesin herzaman başına geliyor bu dünyada...]

In the great Hollywood film Forrest Gump (1994 - based on a heavily satirical novel by Winston Groom), somebody on the street steps on a lump of what is understood to be dog excrement, and the dear-o-dear natural philosopher Forrest (played by Tom Hanks), observes, "It happens." It is a mighty moment in the history of philosophy, because it is the last desperate stand of metaphysics of causality, which has since given birth to the final understanding that SHIT HAPPENS!

The word "shit" is considered vulgar, and what a waste that is of a great potential for a multitude of metaphorical statements. The fact is, when we utter the word, we seldom refer to feces, Rather, the word "shit" is the most appropriate description of the state of affairs in considering the realities of human existence, whether they are the little mishaps of everyday life or misfortunes on a much grander scale. "Oh shit!" is the best all-telling epithet that there is.

Everyone wonders every now and then just why "shit" happens to them? Everyone seems to have a different theory... So, for your enjoyment, I present here a collection of various ways in which people may try to explain why "shit happens". I have collected many of them from the Internet (thousands of "shit happens" lists are going around). For a small portion, however, I bear the responsibility -- and I should add that no other purpose than pure "intellectual amusement" was involved.

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Capitalism: Make hay while the shit happens. The more shit, the more profit.

Communism: Equal shit happens to all people. We must work for our collective shit.

Socialism: If shit happens, let's distribute it equally. My shit is your shit.

Nazism: Aryan shit happens in the most dolichocephalic-blond way.

Racism: White shit happens to me; brown shit happens to you.

Chauvinism: More superior shit happens to us than to anyone else.

Conservatism: Shit doesn't happen in the good old ways it used to.

Liberalism: Let shit alone; free passage for shit!

Commercialism: Let's package and distribute all this shit.


Evolutionism: Natural history of complex shit dates back to more primitive shit forms.

Scientific Analysis: When shit happens, the first step to take is to find out the exact ingredients.

Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in certain given cases.

Relativism: Shit equals WC squared.

Darwinism: The principal mechanism invoılved is the survival of the shittiest.

Historicism: The same old shit happens again and again.

Archaeology: All we can dig is the same old shit over and over again.

Economics: Shit happens because there's a geat demand for it.

Ecology: As long as the shit that happens is organic, it's okay.

The Greens: Save and recycle all shit as soon as it happens.

Classical Physics: Shit abhors and fills a vacuum wherever it finds it.

Quantum Physics: Shit happens in discrete quanta called "shitons" but you can't say where and when.

Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.

Computer Science: If shit fails to happen, just turn it off and restart.

Chemical Engineering: When shit happens, divide it into smaller units and apply antifouling paint.

Medicine: If shit happens, take two Aspirins and call me in the morning.


Descartes: Defecato ergo sum... I shite, therefore I am...

Cultural Relativism: Shit happens everywhere differently.

Behaviorism: Letting shit happen is a conditioned reflex.

Freudianism: Shit happens as a result of your anal fixation.

Psychoanalysis: You shite because of the toilet training your mum gave you.

Pragmatism: Since shit happens, we'll find a way to use it.

Feminism: Shit need not happen to men; men are shit themselves.

Altruism: Let all shit happen onto others.

Pollyannaism: Oh, how happy we should all be that shit happens to us!

Optimism: Shit knocks twice.

Pessimism: Shit never comes singly.

Paranoia: Shit happens, because it is a plot against my underwear.

Exhibitionism: Oh, how I love to show my shit!

Selfishness: Let all shit happen to me only.

Narcissism: Shit happens in my own image.

Mysticism: Just empty your mind and let your soul fully experience the shit happening.

Agnosticism: Nobody knows why shit happens.

Gnosticism: I know why shit happens but won't tell you.

Atheism: I don't believe shit happens and that's all there is to it.

Platonism: There is an ideal shit happening somewhere.

Stoicism: Shit happens? So?

Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence.

Surrealism: Purple shit happens near melting clocks.

Cubism: Why worry if shit happens? You won't recognize it.


Confucionism: Shit happens to man who is not wise enough to avoid it... If shit has to happen, let it happen properly, Grasshopper.

Hinduism: Shit happens over and over and over until you're just plain pooped.

Zen Buddhism: If shit happens in the forest with no one around, who will hear the sound it makes?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Dong.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you didn't obey the Pope.

Calvinism: Shit happens to people who don't work hard enough to avoid it.

Puritanism: S*** can happen all day as long as you don't call it that.

Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Sufism: The wise man never notices shit happening.

Zorastrianism: There is an equal balance of shit and not-shit in the universe... Shit happens half the time... Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Christian Science: If shit happens, pretend it doesn't really exist.

Biblical Creationism: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this  shit, He rested.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor -- pray.


Politics: If shit happens, make a deal with it.

Pigs: If shit happens, make a meal with it.

Diplomacy: Let's pretend shit doesn't happen.

Bureaucracy: I don't care if shit happens as long as you fill out the forms.

Tax Office: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ROBOCOP: If shit happens, I am authorized to use extreme force.

Captain Kirk: Let's boldly shite where nobody shites.

Terrorism: Shit will happen unless you do as I say.

The Military: Attention! Shit will happen: HAPPEN!

The Laundry Woman: Sheets happen.

The Nostalgic: Shit doesn't happen as soft as it used to.

The Sensualist: Shit happened as her heaving mounds pressed against his slablike hairy chest.

The Romantic: Shit happened as her dark indigo eyes searched his for a sign.

  The Realist: Oh well, whatever shit happens happens. I think I'll go take a shit now.