O, my valiant fellow-educators...
Here is a life-saving list of must-do's on that
all-deciding first day when the instructor walks into his class...
briskly into the classroom, wearing black suit, black shirt and white tie (and a
bullet-proof vest underneath), with your faithful Sivas Kangal following right
behind you. set up your tape recorder without a word and play a tape of
Gencebay's "I was dead the day I was born".
Speak in a slow, portentous tone and inform the class that your dog's name is
warn them that the name is a well-deserved one.
Thenceforth, should any of the students dare
ask a question, walk over to Kaatil and consult with him, saying in a guttural
voice "What do you say to this, Kaatil? Shall we have a word with this
young lady/gentleman after the class?"
an overhead projector at the class. Demand each student to come up with his/her name,
school number and height in lateral position, adding that this last piece of
information is very useful for coffin makers.
on the blackboard a detailed list of known
suicide methods, using capital letters, and announce to the class that they may
urgently need one of these pretty soon.
06. Run a video on current medieval torture implements,
giggling and cackling to yourself throughout.
gone through these preliminaries, open up a bottle of Yeni Raki; cut
up some white cheese
into bite-size pieces and some tomatoes, and make sure that
the class understand that the lecture will end only when the
08. To liven
up your lecture, pose an occasional question, then mutter to yourself
"as if you gibbering simpletons would know that" and move on before anyone
has a chance to answer.
frequently to students who committed suicide in the past while taking your class; not
forgetting to announce that some of your students from last year are still
recuperating in Manisa.
Address your students as, "Hey, you! The honourable squirming worm there!"
or, "How about you, you worthless vermin!"
in mid-lecture, frown for a moment looking out of the window, then just carry on.
times, speak softer and softer until you lull the whole
class into a slumber; and then suddenly point to a student and
scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
so often, freeze in mid-sentence and stare off into space for several minutes.
After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Announce that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final
exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
Announce also that there will be a quiz the next time the class meets, and the
questions will be based on matching the names in the telephone directory with
their proper addresses.
your drink. Give your students one last challenging look.
to your dog, "Come on, Kaatil, nobody to bite here today". Speak to the
class in a hissing whisper just before you depart. Say, "We will meet again," and
give out a strange cackling laughter.
briskly out of the class. Go home and relax with the BBG, the Televole
fashion-model scandals, the series "Wolves' Valley", Psycho-Therapy with Sinan Çetin,
exclusive interview with Medium Memish, news with Reha Muhtar,
and all the other late-night horror shows...
going to bed, write forty times: "I shall not be affected and spoiled by
all those silly TV programs that I watch; I shall be nice and helpful to my
students, for they need me, and, given the chance, they'd love me, too...